I went hiking today. The whole time, I kept singing in my head “my body tells me no… but I won’t quit” and I made it pretty far up and that was pretty cool.

Self rejuvenation inspires self discovery; I found the self that I am most comfortable in. I had become distant and indifferent, which sometimes (in my opinion), are very good traits to have; though, it is my wish to be reacquainted with unwavering passion. It has been a long while since last having opened my heart and mind to be read, and strangely, it was quite pleasant.

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For whatever reason, I do not know. I am unable to feel reassured about myself. I feel as if I am a living ghost. My shell that is flesh and skin, organs and tissues, mask my insecurities and I find it so terrifying to love myself for, well, myself. I often boast my beauty and love for all that pleases me. I spout careless nonsense and then return sarcasm with a lackadaisical expression. It had always been my subconscious that has worked to please others and even that has given up on me.

I wanted to live in the shoes of others, their perfections but I found nothing such mimicry. I am my own being, my own soul, and body and mind. My emotions and personality are all mine of my own but I do not feel anything of myself but guilt.

To be told “I love you so much”, “I am so proud of you”, “do your best”, “I know you can do well” and feeling so guilty that I want to hurl and break down and now I hide behind a computer screen because I cannot tell them, that “there is nothing of me that you can be proud of”, “I am nothing but disappointment”. It is so nerve wracking to feel so hopeless. Yet, my half-hearted inclinations keep me moving, and I am so afraid.